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- 2009-1-9
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Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
高卢战争：输了。在这场预示着此后2000多年的法国历史的战争中，整个法国输给了——1个意大利人。
Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare - "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchmen.
百年战争：大多数都输了，最后被一个女精神病人所挽救，她不经意的创造了法国战争的第一规则：法国军队只有在不被法国人所领导的情况下才能够获得胜利。
Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.
意大利战争：输了。法国成为第一个也是唯一一个即使对意大利作战也能连输两次的国家。
Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
宗教战争：法国对胡格诺派教徒分别取得0、5、4场胜利。
（注：1562—1598年，法国天主教势力对新教胡格诺派(即加尔文派)。分三个阶段。在战争中都依靠外国列强，天主教派依靠西班牙；加尔文派依靠英国、德意志公爵和荷兰教友。1598年4月，亨利四世颁布“永久性”的“南特敕令”，宣布天主教为国教，胡格诺教徒在法国全境有信仰新教的自由，在担任公职方面享有同天主教徒同等的权利。30多年的胡格诺战争自此结束。
Thirty Years' War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
三十年战争：严格来说，法国并没有参与进去，但是不管怎么说，法国总算是侵略了别人一下子。算是平局，因为最终其他的参与国们开始忽略这个国家的存在了。
（注：1618~12648 年，以德意志为主要战场的一次席卷欧洲的战争。以德意志新教诸侯和丹麦、瑞典、法国为一方，并得到荷兰、英国、俄国的支持；神圣罗马帝国皇帝、德意志天主教诸侯和西班牙为另一方，并得到教皇和波兰的支持。
War of Devolution: Tied; Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
权力转移战争：平局；法国人把红色花瓶当成帽子戴在头上（庆祝）。
The Dutch War: Tied.
荷兰战争：平局
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.
威廉王战争：输了，但是算是平局吧。令人费解的是人们把这一时期看成是法国军事实力的尖峰时刻。
War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
西班牙系列战争：输了。这场战争也让法国第一次尝到了Marlborough的滋味，从那时到现在他们一直都很爱那种味道。
American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting".
美国独立战争：在这场让未来的美国人家喻户晓的运动中，法国宣布了胜利，虽然英国的殖民地居民们才是真正的参与者。这在后来被叫做“de Gaulle Syndrome”，也创造了法国军队的第二条规则：“法国军队只有在大多数战斗被美国承担的情况下才会取得胜利。”
French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.
法国大革命：赢了，主要是因为这个事实：大多数反对者也是法国人。
拿破仑战争：输了。暂时的胜利（要记住第一条规律！）归功于来自科西嘉岛屿的领导人，他最终还是被证明不如英国的一个制鞋匠。
The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
普法战争：输了。德国人扮演了在周末晚上闯入丑陋的法国小妞房间的男校学生的角色
WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
第一次世界大战：平局而且差一点输掉，法国被美国挽救了。数千名法国女人发现他们不但喜欢和胜利者睡觉，而且还喜欢不把她们当成小姐的那种。被美国士兵海量使用的避孕套对法国纯正血统的改良造成了影响。
WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
第二次世界大战：输掉了。被征服的法国被美国和英国所解放，就像他们后来学会的歌曲the Horst Wessel里唱的那样。
War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.
印度支那战争：输了。法国军队为自己的无能找借口，将失败归因于奠边府
Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.
阿尔及利亚起义：输了。标志着自十字军东侵以来，西方军队第一次被非土耳其的穆斯林军队打败，制造了穆斯林战争的第一条规则：“我们总是能打败法国人。”这条规则同样适用于意大利、俄国、德国、英国、荷兰、西班牙、越南、和爱斯基摩人。
War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.
打击恐怖主义战争：考虑到它以往的历史，法国还是向德国和穆斯林投降比较安全一点。
Q. Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama?
A. So the French can show them how to surrender.
问：为什么我们在打击萨达姆和拉登的行动中需要法国的参与呢？
答：这样法国可以教给他们如何投降。
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A: Nobody knows, it's never been tried.
问：愿意保卫巴黎的法国人到底有多少人呢？
答：不知道，因为这从未发生过。
Q. Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A. Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
问：为什么欧洲的迪斯尼乐园不允许放烟火呢？
答：因为每次他们一放，法国人就想投降。
Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?
A: Sunburned armpits.
问：你通过什么来认出法国步兵呢？
答：晒黑的腋窝。
Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. The Army.
问：10万法国人同时举起他们的双手，你认为会是什么呢？
答：法国军队。
Q: What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
A: How to surrender in at least 10 languages.
问：法国军队基础培训的第一课是什么呢？
答：怎样用至少10语言来说投降。
Q: What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A: A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.
问：法国军队中用的最多的是什么东西呢?
答：后视镜，这样他们就能够看见战斗了。
Q: Why does Nike like the French Army?
A: Because, in war time, they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.
问：为什么耐克喜欢法国军队呢？
答：因为在战争期间，他们是跑鞋的最大买家。
Anyone see the French Military Rifle on eBay? It's never been shot and only dropped once!
你们看到eBay上有法国步枪卖了吗？从来没有射击过，只摔过一次 |
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发表于 2009-8-5 09:19
楼主